Grab a Towel and Dance

I have long held that once a child reaches 13, they should be given over to the military until they’re 21 or 22.

Most cultures have a rite of passage at some point during the teen years. They leave a child out in the jungle or dessert or wilderness to fend for themselves so they can prove to themselves and their community, that they are mature adults.

In America, we shower teenagers with gifts: cell phones, ipods, and in later teen years, cars, credit cards and lavish parties as they turn 16. I don’t know when this started, but I’d like it to stop now. If the past 40 years have been a social experiment, it has failed miserably.

I know, you’re thinking that YOUR son or daughter is different: No way! They have merely learned to manipulate you into thinking they are different. If you are a parent, they think you are totally UN-cool, and stupid, and they will think this until after College (and in some cases, beyond).

A case in point.
I have lots of stores about teenagers, but I’ll give you this one now:
Several years ago, my friend’s teenage daughter actually asked her mother and my friend and I to leave her house because her friends were coming over to pick her up and we would embarrass her (we were SO un-cool). Note: they were just coming over to pick her up, they weren’t going to stay there… So I responded in an appropriate way: I grabbed a bath towel, placed it on my head and started singing Proud Mary, at the top of my lungs, while standing on her front porch. I sang the whole song… and danced.
Her friends thought I was very cool, and funny. She didn’t talk to me for weeks. Delightful.
So if a teenager gives you one of those looks or rolls his/her eyes, or stomps up or down the stairs…
Grab a towel, put it on your head and DANCE!

Flat Screen Fatties

Hey! All of you out there with wide screen TVs:
Why do you insist on filling the screen when you’re watching broadcast TV?

For years we’ve all been looking at a TV which is almost square.
Threatened by TV, the Movie Industry began making movies that were bigger and bigger, and finally settled on making movies that were wider than the TV “square”…
Now, TV is getting bigger (and wider)
But TV shows have not followed (unless you’re watching in HD)
So: If you have a wide screen TV you ought to be watching broadcast TV with what we call letter boxing on the side.

OK: all of this is way too complicated for a mindless blog,
But when you fill the screen with the picture, can’t you see that all these newscasters and weather people and actors and actresses have suddenly put on 20 pounds? I’ve sat in a room with people who have wide screen TV and showed them the difference:
“Here’s what it’s supposed to look like (switch) here’s what you’re watching…
Can you SEE the difference?”
“Yeah” they’ll reply, “But I like the screen filled.”
Nevermind that it’s just plain WRONG

I know that we’re a country of obese people, and maybe that’s the reason we feel comfortable watching all those flat screen fatties on TV: they make the rest of us feel downright slim.
So: Forget the diet! Forget the exercise! Want to feel thin?
Go buy a wide screen TV!

Stop Whining, Please!

What I really mean is: STOP Wining, but I thought I would lose you.

Have you seen the Videos done by the guy who owns the Wine Library?
He’s done almost 200 videos on wine.
My “Significant Other” (that title is a topic for a future blog!)
Is a wine enthusiast, and almost every night I sit in the office we share and have to listen to Gary talk about the nose, the legs, the tastes and the flavors. He rants, raves, sloshes and splits and does this funny tasting thing with his lips, kind of like Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs.
Now it’s annoying enough to hear him go on and on and on,
but if I steal a glance at just the right moment, I see “the Other” mimicking what he’s doing… Sloshing and tasting imaginary wine.

The observation here is that LOTS of people mimic people they’re talking to. Have you ever been in “The South” and found yourself talking with a slight drawl? Or gone to England and found yourself talking with an obviously BAD English accent. I do it myself.
The sloshing and lip thing, however, is a bit unnerving.
And Gary may be one of the most annoying people I’ve seen …
Endearing to Whine Enthusiasts, I’m sure.
But I’m NOT an enthusiast, I just sit next to one, and I’m afraid that after the sloshing and smacking,
the spitting might start.
Stop, Please!

Looking for Fruit Snacks

I find myself in a state of panic because i cannot find my favorite snack: Minute Maid Fruit Snacks.
I don't want Sunkist or Welsh's: I Want Minute Maid.
I went to Stop and Shop, my regular supplier, but they are out.
A&P doesn't carry them nor does Shop Rite.
I'm like an addict in search of a fix.
What has gotten me particularly anxious about this, is that it seems I've hooked my sister as well.
She's a well-adjusted, professional but this morning she yelled:
"Get me those Minute Maid Fruit Snacks"
A healthy, low-calorie, fat-free snack, and I can't find them.
And I'm getting obsessed...
I spent 45 minutes on Google trying to find them.
I wonder if I went downtown to the guy who hangs out in the doorway on the dark street, leaving the shadows only to walk up to people in cars and handing them little bags....
i wonder if he could find me Fruit Snack?
They come in bags...

My fear is that this is yet another manifestation of an addidctive personality.
Have you ever had spearmint Ice Breakers Ice Cubes?
Ohmygod, they're incredible, and hard to find as well.
Target has them, but no one else.
Which reminds me: I only have 12 packs of them left...
Gotta Go; I need more Ice Cubes...

Slipping and sliding

I watched a video last night form Washington (State of) or was it Oregon?
Matters not …
The West Coast has been under an icy blast and the streets of this city were covered in ice … Covered. Not just an icy patch, but the whole street. The video showed cars sliding for an entire block, bouncing like balls off the bumpers in pinball, crashing into car after car after car… People were watching and yelling ….
And this happened more than once. Several cars were shown turning onto the street and simply losing control: slide … crash …. Spin …slide …. crash
So: I have two questions …
Why didn’t someone block the street(s) off so no one else would go down?
(And I wonder just how long it took until the police arrived)
And why didn’t those stupid people who were yelling get out of the street?
I was really waiting until one of them got hit by a car. I mean the cars were Out of Control and everyone knew it… but there were these people watching and yelling, and slipping and sliding.
Again I have no moral, but I would caution anyone driving or walking on an ice covered street: get to high ground as quickly as possible

Macy's is closed

an FYI: Panic comes from Pan ... the god who caused terror
I had hundreds of things to do and stopping at Macy's to get a gift card was NOT one of them.
I had 20 minutes before I had to be at a meeting, so I seized the moment.
I turned into the parking lot, got out of my car and walked toward the door.
A woman walking down the path said: "They're closed."
I wasn't sure what she said...
Another woman passed me and said: "Don't bother, they're closed!"
What? Macy's is closed?
A third person walked away...
What? Macy's is closed?
So, I went up to the door, and pulled at it.
I read the sign that said:
Macy's is closed January 10th for Inventory
I pulled on the door again
What was I thinking?
If I pulled hard enough, were the doors going to magically open?
Was someone just waiting for ME to pull the door?
Why didn't I listen to those other people?
I HAD to pull on the doors...

There is no moral here, and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that so many people have to pull on the doors even when we know they won't open...
I didn't get the gift card, and I survived

When i told my niece my story she said I had lots of good stories; this is NOT the best one.
but it is the first one posted.